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A good mediator must have empathy. When Martin Golder, M.A.I.B.C., first started mediating initially he felt that he didn’t truly have this. His journey to find empathy included a three-month hike in the Himalayas and multiple meditation intensives in Katmandu. On his journey, he learned the ancient practice of Metta Bhavana, the conscious projection of goodwill. When he returned, he was able to incorporate Metta Bhavana into his mediation strategy and that is what he shared with participants in the CoRe Speaker Series event on February 15.
The attainment of Metta Bhavana begins with meditation, and the focusing of one’s energy. Martin Golder guided participants through a fifteen-minute meditation session to practice this careful focusing first on the breath on one’s top lip, and then through various points in the body. Once everyone was relaxed and focused, he guided participants through the five steps of Metta Bhavana: first, to think positive thoughts towards oneself, second, towards someone you know and like, thirdly, towards someone you feel neutral about, fourth, to someone you dislike or find bothersome, and finally, expanding the goodwill out towards all living, sentient beings.
Martin then showed participants how to apply this practice to a mediation. He explained that an energy field existed in any room and the mediator has the power to influence the nature of that field. As an example, he shared an experience of a time when he was interacting with a difficult, negative lawyer and he found that projecting his positive thoughts on her actually changed the energy of the room and she actually began to interact better with the others in the room.
His overarching counsel was to listen, and say something kind. He encouraged participants to remove all process thinking and planning what to do or say when the other party stops talking, but rather to truly listen to what they are saying. Then saying something genuinely kind, which flows spontaneously from your positive energy, will quite often put people on the track of an exploring mechanism that ultimately will lead to problem-solving and constructive discussion. Kindness also creates a model of a respectful type of interaction that will help set the mood of the mediation. Empathy, attention, and respect to a bully, for example, often throws them off track momentarily, which creates a space to cast a new mood into the mediation.
Martin helped participants apply these ideas by leading a hypothetical situation. He had two volunteers role-play a conflict, and other participants were encouraged to project their goodwill towards them by truly listening to their arguments and spontaneously saying something kind when it came to them. The group discussion afterwards analyzing the kind statements made was very fruitful and engaging, and the session went overtime because participants were so eager to share their thoughts and ideas.
Martin Golder is an architect in Victoria. In 1996 with the encouragement and mentoring of Patricia Lane he started a practice of conflict management. In addition to his private practice, Martin is a mediator and mentor in the Provincial Court Mediation Program.
The next CoRe Speaker Series event takes place on March 13th, 4:30-6:00 at KPMG, and is a discussion of mediation on television with Sharon Sutherland entitled “Does Justice Look Like This?” Free for members, $20 for others. RSVP to coreclinic1@gmail.com.
